The Fear

Lately, I have been wanting to expand my experience of existing, which has included expanding my reach as an artist, interlocutor, or whatever the hell I am anyhow.

What this has meant, lately, has been blogging a lot, painting a lot, organizing a lot, and plotting certain scary actions I've not done before very well.

Mainly, i will go out and call people, email people, etc, to get them excited about my art, or Jim's photos, or the Marshall Arts process in general. I began gathering a list of prospects - mostly people I knew personally or knew through acquaintances, either people interested in arts or at least interested in the fact I COULd make art. IT seems risky, but I was willing to eat my pride and fear or whatever it is and take the plunge, fueled by a real feeling of energy abut the whole thing. Feelings, rationalizatins, justifications, research backed by data, affirmations, even astrological formations all seemed to point towards my great Art Outbound Outreach.

Then I choked.

1. The few outreaches met with utter silence. Even friendly supportive people I had counted on before ignored me utterly
2. Reading into generalized sales processes showed me my methodology was bunk
3. further analysis showed I did not have all my ducks in a row or my strategy mapped out - or even really my message
4. I began having Serious Doubts about some of the folks on my list - does this person REALLY want to talk to me? I mean, really? Do I really want to talk to them? Didn't we have some sort of disagreement that one time? When was this person so interested in art that I can justify thrusting this upon them? etc - in other words, all the things that telemarketers WILL NOT ask themselves before calling everyone and annoying them. Save that telemarketers get PAID for their efforts. I would here be trying to be my OWN telemarketer. I don't know about that!!!!!

So here I am, choked, stuck, flaking out on a sort-of committment I'd made to myself - and Jim as well, in a way. And I'm mostly OK with that, except that other things have begun slipping as well. Staying up late fiddling on FB again. Eating crap again. Running out on all sort of other minor but important committments. And a general sense of discouraged flatness that did NOT exist when i had first made the personal committment.

Susan Johnstone over at "the Hearts Voice" has many interesting things to say about this process:

When you understand that your resistance is the very raw material that will become the new you, you can approach it with compassion and curiosity instead of battling to just make it go away.

and listening in on a joint e-lecture she gave once ("your resistance is the map of where you are now.. thus will take you where you're going if you listen") really has helped me come to terms with a lot of what, in life, feels like living in a jail cell with jabbering monkeys, broken bicycles and haphazard fancies as your only companions. I am able to, for example, say to myself "the Fear won out this time, but some day I will win" - when I sit there with the phone in hand AND DO NOTHING, the way I'd stand at the edge of the pool for 10 minutes DOING NOTHING when everyone around me was diving off, back in the day.

And i probably could bluff my way past the fear to a certain extent - were it not for the real-life doubts it has placed in my mind. As Susan also says:

That’s right! There is NO information in your obstacles or resistance about whether you’re going toward the wrong thing.

Your blocks and obstacles CAN tell you lots about:

• the route you’re taking
• the strategy you’re using
• whether the timing is right
• your beliefs and fears
• the inner work you still need to do
• and more

But they tell you nothing about the rightness or wrongness of your goal.

And those are, specifically, my sticking points and things I can't just ignore: my route, my strategy, my timing, and the way you can NEVER really see others for what their own experiences are but always through the lens of what YOU are, projecting onto them.

Part of me's like I almost DON"T CARE whether it's the right move or NOT. Because when I move on this, something will SHIFT and MOVE - something in the world which was stuck before and did not exist will now EXIST and that, at least, has to be better than the big numbing now, the big numb dumb stuck NOW. A rolodex full of pissed off people and annoyed relatives seems like a small price to pay for having put it out there that HEY!!!!!! I'M OUT HERE MAKING THIS STUFF!!! AND IT MATTERS!!!!! AND I WON'T LET YOU IGNORE IT!!!!

As well, I am sorry to have let myself down the way I'd be sorry to let down my mother, or a friend, or husband, or anyone who at all depended on me. I would be unsurprised if any of those whom I'd let down were to then turn around and let ME down - hence, I am sorry and not surprised that "I" no longer "trust" myself and am "unable to commit" to larger goals, etc. and slipping to unproductive habits. Thus I feel, in a way, that in order to reclaim this broken 'trust', I NEED to do the bastard - contact every last person on that list, come what may.

I don't feel particularly BETTER or BRAVER after having posted this, but, at least, I have publicly committed to this path - and put out there a warning to all those who will hear from me soon.

Hey, how YOU doin'????????

Landscape Commission process

In a previous post, I mentioned a particularly beloved painting of mine which found a home with the wonderful Stuart Thomson. The notion of the 'Vanitas Still Life', showed to me the natural life cycle of the grape, yet reminds one that all phases of life are useful - from sweet youth (grapes) to the potent prime of life (wine), to bitter, brittle old age (balsamic vinegar). The technique was simple alla crema oil application, and the daily scrutiny of the same still life that occupied the cramped room used as a studio at the time.

Stuart, who came up from Atlanta to escape the noisome toxic noise of the city at least twice this past summer, then commissioned a landscape painting. I have been busy with that piece.

The technique this time used is that of indirect painting through the use of an original underpainting, and then glazing techniques:

Indirect painters put their first strokes on the canvas with the expectation that they will paint over them again when they are dry in order to change their effect in some way. Therefore when they put on the first layer of paint, called the underpainting, they do not try for a finished effect, complete in final color, drawing definition, and pattern emphasis. Instead at the beginning of the work they concentrate on one or two of these problems, and they depend upon [and make allowance for] the subsequent layers of paint to develop and modify the underpainting until the remaining problems are finally solved.

Indirect methods of painting have been employed in the past by many artists including Van Eyck, El Greco, and Rembrandt. More recently such painters as Soutine, Modigliani, Rouault, Braque, and Paul Klee have utilized the optical effects of indirect processes.

I first used this method in Teresa Bramlette Reeves' oil painting class in 2008. I simply ADORED the technique. The technique itself is incredibly difficult and requires a lot of practice and conceptual know-how. But, even though I understand I am far from mastering it yet, I have faith that it will help me resolve the riddle that old Flemish masters' paintings posed for me when I saw them at the National Art Gallery as a kid: how do you get an oil painting to be so luminous, so real? So... I may not be there yet - but I know, if I live long enough, I will get there.

I have played with the technique in other contexts, and it also a landscape commission work seemed a good candidate.

As can be seen, the underpainting layer is completed. I'm on the fence still about having used such a light colour for the underpainting, but we will see what comes up.

I estimate I will need at least 5 layers to complete this piece, if not more.

Like in the still life, I prefer to work from real life, vs photography. IT just seems so much better, though working from a static still life setup under controlled light conditions differs widely from working plein aire, where the artist is at the mercy of weather and light conditions.

It is fun to work on - it is our backyard, and neighbor children and dogs and cows and donkeys dot the landscape and distract the concentrated eye. Sometimes the weather is tricky and I have to wear an umbrella and hide the thing under a layer of sheetrock I had lying around.

Hoping to finish it before the weather becomes completely impossible as well.

Requiem for Troy Anthony Davis

Ah, today's specimen is a good one.

It shows a man alone in the wilderness, singing a song of utmost urgency, a song that's ignored, over and over and over again, until it is absolutely too late.

We all have that man inside of us, of course - the outraged iconoclast, the to-your-own-drummer proponent, the visionary, the crazy man, etc. We all honour and condemn that part of us in equal measure.

Some of us make it something of a life's vocation, to give voice to what must be said, to the best of our integrity and ability. Come what may, whether we are thanked or damned for the effort.

In theory, people are ENCOURAGED to be thus, but the reality ---- Consensus Reality poo-poohs on all true iconoclasts and prophets.

So, why persist?

What motivates this lonely songster continue his lonely song? When so much is frightening and hopeless, what compells one man to stand against Consensus Reality and really state what needs to be stated?

The man who pens the following posts IS the lonely singer.

The song in this particular case, of course, is that of the murder of an innocent man, Troy Anthony Davis, murdered for the dubious crime of being black in Savannah. Black, and unlucky.

More on the story here: Accessories, Before, During, and After the Fact
When the State Murders the Innocent, When Will We Really Stand Up?

Not just Treesus Jimbo has talked about this, however. Many hundreds and thousands, even, have, at some point or another, voiced loud objection to Troy Davis' death.

It really has not done any good, has it?

But you know, I was also thinking about a conversation I had with my mother last night and how she always said "I never give up, never give up - if there's something I want done, I persist till the very end. You should be more like that - do the same..."

And this morning we get the email, "Troy Davis Clemency Appeal DENIED"

and I write her

"never give up? They're gona kill this poor bastard in spite of what 100,000 of people desired, wanted, worked for - just saying, is all"

and she writes back

"It's not over until the Fat Lady sings."

And I think, 'that's interesting' - if I were someone who didn't give up, who had HOPE that her actions affected the outside world, I might pick up the phone and call a few people, the way one site recommends.

I actually took it a step farther and found a list of random Capitol/GA government employees to heckle. Why not, right? If I'm on payroll to a murdering mafia organization, I deserve to catch a little flak. Just saying. In any event, it was mainly an experiment.

The script was very much the same: "I'd like to complain about the murderous, corrupt, racist organization which is the State of Georgia. You work for the State of Georgia... are you aware that your employer is a corrupt, racist organization? How does that make you feel?"

The answers were telling and varied. The experience in itself was also informative:

1) it's damned difficult to stand for something in any way, even in the most tangential, haphazard, cowardly and uncommitted way (no wonder nobody does anything to REALLY improve this shite world we live in) - damned difficult because it is damned terrifying

2) it feels GOOD to voice something you would otherwise censure. It makes your heart beat in a different, stronger way.

3) you really can't do shit about much of anything, it's true - but sometimes it's just good enough to ruin someone's day

Pluto in Libra, here we go

here I am responding to a prompt. I might come back and clean this up. Yes! I am an artist ... and an astrologer! I'm so bloody talented I can barely stand myself. Also, attaching a random painting of mine to keep up the art blog ruse.

Me: One thing I would add- a lot of your relationship problems are somewhat dictated by problems beyond your control - the way opposes all that stuff in . This is one of those unfortunate collective, generation problem we in folks have to deal with - the concept of relating/relationship. How to redefine Relationship in a way that's healthy, loving, evolutionary advantageous, etc. Since so many personal planets oppose this for you, you might either experience or activate a lot which is perhaps toxic or maladaptive in relationship. Goes with the territory.

Querent:

Dear Pierrot Lunaire,

thank you very much for your comment !!! It helped a lot : i felt a lot of time, that all you wrote is absolutely right. I am thinking often, that i dont have to do anything in a relationship, and that it is coming to me automaticly and without much effort. I have only 2 question left : when you wrote, that because of all the planets in - does this mean, that i have no influence on this ?

Me:

1) you wanted to know about the nature of your personal planets- as to whether it was "does this mean, that i have no influence on this " and in a sense, this is correct. As individuals, we always forget that there are larger forces at play, exerting pressure of different types on our lives.

When we begiin to think about it, it makes sense: we all have to deal with, for instance, the same GLOBAL CONDITIONS - economy, politics, warring ideologies, values, etc - the same HISTORY as it was unfolding. OUr lives were etched in stone in accordance with where we were placed in the world - some people are 'lucky' to be born in places with more mobility -IE being born in the Western World to well-off parents vs. being born to poor sheepherders in the Serengeti.

this might be considered a view of identity, both individual and collective identity. That there are limits as to what you can and are able to express in life, represent, experience, etc.

To me (and others), is a planet which marks GENERATIONS - that clump of people all born at around the same timeframe, and whose identities have been defined by collective events, histories, etc. Wherever falls in the chart is an area where those born under that sign will be shaped, to a large degree, by advances and bad experiences related to that sign.

An example= recent 9/11 events. Here in America lots of newspaper articles made big headlines advertising "Susie So-and-so was born on 9/11/2001" - seeing this reminded me of this - how a whole generation of in children came into a world where that event was more or less universally relevant - and the themes of that purely symbolic (for our purposes) event shaped the sort of society, economy, etc under which these children grew up.

For in , the larger theme which that event symbolizes was a certain loss of innocence regarding an infantile, bloated, overblown ideology of bombastic excess and utter irresponsibility which the U S of A has gleefully represented forever. America got its first (I daresay it's ONLY) serving of that which it has been dishing out for decades - and for the first time possibly ever, random people suffered something of an ideological/spiritual crisis. Definitely in the U.S. 9/11 galvanized a rabid, orgiastic brand of patriotism in many - and thoughtful pained Hamlet-like introspection in others. I dare not go into the matter further, though I hope it is obvious how the kids born into that energy will be tainted by issues of ideology, temperance, and their role in the larger world.

To go back to Susie So-and-so, let's say that (like you) she had her in , directly opposing the 12degree. It means that, in her life, she will forever be witnessing, personally, the fallout of 9/11 and all it brought. That, in spite of her best intentions, she will always manage to push people's buttons whenever she speaks. She will find herself taking sides and defending points that either makes others re evaulate their lives, or will make her unpopular - she might even find occasion to be thought of as 'a terrorist .. an agitator' in her life. People will forever be projecting onto her all the crap that 9/11 raised.

In an astrological sense, Susie can't help it - through those personal planets there, her whole mode of expression is meant to polarize. Compare her with someone who has no personal planets near 12degree , for whom 9/11 was just
'that weird thing that happened' and for whom the whole generational drama is just noise in the background.

In your case, with the in , your generational baggage had all to do with relating, social/gender roles, the institutions of marriage, partnerships of all sorts, etc. saw the solidification of FEminism and the tail-end of the Sexual revolution, the American decision (roe v. wade) that made abortion legal and federally protected, which helped liberate women from the bondage of involuntary breeding etc. Social and sexual roles were severely tested. A divorce epidemic arose which affected all of us born in those years. Etc

In the larger world, US foreign relations showed a definitely 'unloving' and 'unbrotherly' relating to the rest of the world (and for all of those still stuck in the offended-Polyanna "why do they hate us???" of the saturated 9/11 reminiscing, you might view US foreign policy in the 70s as the merest CLUE). Aside from the Vietnam debacle end, the 70s show a definite, relentless intervention on freely elected governments all over South America. This link states that, between 1972 and 1984 (the range, roughly of ), the US made no less than 16 incursions and interventions in latin america - probably more.http://www.zompist.com/latam.html

Does any of this, Martin, ring a bell? Does any of this I state make you feel particularly uncomfortable, or excited, or fired up? Do people ever accuse you of (like the US policy of the 70s) forcing your hand too much? Do you find yourself in conflicts with women? Is there something in you that feels particularly affected, confused, antagonized by the ways that men seem to relate with women nowadays? Have you had male role models who talk about 'the good ole days'? Do you ever act out that tension in your relationships? This is what I meant when I talked about 'influence' & 'fate'. Just the understanding that we are all dealing with relationship, but you deal with it on a personal level.

Still Lives Live at Local Restaurant

The still life at left and the Vanitas still life (titled Calaveras y Diablitos) described in the previous post are now to be seen, and are available for sale, through Oct 4, 2011 at a brand-spanking-new and groovy-looking Mexican Restaurant called Puebla in Swannanoa - some 15 or 20 minutes from downtown Asheville.

The place (Restaurant Puebla) is located a stone-throw away from I-40 on , somewhat near Black Mountain, the Blue Ridge Parkway and Warren Wilson College. The area itself seems to offer some interesting things, including a magnet arts school and a random artists' collaborative close by.

The atmosphere is excellent - spacious, cheerful, and well-appointed. The staff is incredibly friendly, helpful, and close-knit, from what I could tell from my interaction with them. The little street the restaurant is from looks like a small oasis of coolness in an otherwise non-descript highway run.

More on Puebla:

"Mexican Restaurant Puebla offers authentic Mexican food from Puebla Mexico. Such as Semitas, Mole Poblano, Enchiladas, Gorditas, and more."

Address:

204 A Whitson Avenue, Swannanoa, NC 28778

Since I live somewhat far (in Marshall, NC), I have not had the chance to sample their fine cuisine, though I am sure it is excellent. If anyone goes by, let me know and drop a line. Am hoping to make it there eventually, and would love a list of opinions.